Friday, November 26, 2010

The Side-effects of Movember

It's been 26 days of concentration on above-the-lip facial hair for many males.  I'm counting down until it's over.  Four more days.  I think I can make it.

I'm not opposed to moustaches.  Indeed, they can be quite dapper (i think that's the perfect word to describe a moustache, and it most certainly should be since it was created specifically to describe moustaches.  this is probably news to you, but the root word of dapper is dappled - this won't show up in your dictionary, though, because there's a conspiracy to hide this information.  merriam-webster's online dictionary tells me dappled means "marked with small spots or patches contrasting with the background."  As you see, a moustached face is a dappled face, but, obviously no man would stand to have his moustache compared with a small spot or patch.  So the powers that be decided to just dump the l and replace the d with an r (as a silent homage to the word ridiculous which is a close relative of the word moustache. again, don't look for this in your regular dictionary) and there you have it: dapper and bob's also your uncle.  fin)

the reason i can't wait for movember to end is because i think moustaches have a mysterious power over the men sporting them to modify regular behavior and make it something weird. it seems that, among some men, there's an assumption that a moustache makes them irresistible to women.  perhaps this is what happened with someone like burt reynolds.  could it be that the hair grows backwards as well as forwards, interfering with regular brain function and causing ordinary men to act in strange and unusual ways?  i have data which suggests this may be the case.

wednesday: i'm sitting in on a class for undergrads being taught by one of my profs.  it's a 200/300 level class, which means the students in it are likely 19 or 20.  at one point, i accidentally met the eyes of a very young but amply moustachioed male member of the class and he winked at me and gave me a sly grin.  what kind of grin?  a sly grin.  i look away thinking, first, he has no idea how much older i am than him and, second, that he is a truly unfortunate boy.  his moustache has twirled its hair around his brain stem. how he must be suffering.

yesterday: i'm walking down mainstreet in the s.n.o.w. (why does winter have to come every year?)  approaching fourteenth street, i hear the sound of a male voice saying, "gi-rr-lll."  (i can't figure out how to render the sound in text.  it was a verbal/oral equivalent of a whistle.  should it be g-errr-lll?)  i look to my left and the first thing i see is a thick moustache and i know i need look no further.  he can not be held responsible for his actions (i didn't mind what he did, either, just to be clear.  it's not insulting or invasive, just. . . perplexing.  what did he think was going to happen?  perhaps he was just practicing identifying individual's genders.  or maybe g-errr-lll is the only word he knows.  if it isn't the only word he knows, and supposing he was actually trying to attract my attention for realsies, he might want to consider choosing a few other words to pair with g-errr-lll and stringing them together into something like "g-errr-lll, you look like you're going to j.j. bean.  can i buy you a coffee?" Is a sentence is too much?  try a sentence fragment or two: "g-err-lll go j.j. bean? we go together?"  if even a fragment is too much, two nouns would suffice to convey his essential meaning: "g-err-lll! j.j.bean! coffee?" of course, people say all kinds of things to people they're actually not interested in.  i propose that, if your approval of someone's looks is unaccompanied by any desire to get to know them, you should just applaud.)

i digress.  i suspect g-errr-lll-man is likely not even aware of what's happening to him right now.  the mosutache is making all of his decisions at this point.  the good news is that, in four more days, his friends and family will know if he's lost forever, or if he has a chance of recovery.


deb said...

I applaud you for your brilliant post.

and generally, people write it as "gurl" if intended to be said in a "mmmhmmm gurl" *snap fingers while waving hand in air* kind of way.

afro-chick said...


"his moustache has twirled its hair around his brain stem. how he must be suffering."

sheer brilliance.

tho, i have to admit, guys with a nice stache totally make me swoon.

A.Roz. said...

The prose dances. Enjoyable to read! (and I kept my beard rather than risk choking my brain stem)

Anonymous said...

I'm recovering. I think my heart rate reached 'fat-burning' zone. Thanks for the laugh. ~ Mere

Kirsten said...

Mere! funny :)